Rats! I missed the two-legged male for my early morning feeding–I no longer smell him in the house. Great. Now, I’ll have to wake the two-legged female.
[the feline’s ears perk up at the sound of a toilet flushing]
Oh, good! It sounds like she’s just leaving the noisy waterhole. I’ll rub against her legs and attempt to redirect her (i.e. trip her on the way back to the sleeping sack).
Well, that didn’t work. Let’s be honest. It never works. [sighs] This female is insufferable at times. Why can’t she be more like the two-legged male?
No matter. It’s time for phase 2. I’ll jump up on the headboard…sometimes that works.
[twenty minutes pass]
No good. She’s back in full rest status.
Phase 3, then: jumping on the bed. There are three possibilities: (1) She doesn’t wake, and I get to nap on the bed (yes!); (2) she wakes, shoos me off the bed and, in her irritation, refuses to feed me and goes back to full rest status—not ideal; or (3) she wakes, shoos me off the bed, realizes it’s in her best interest to feed me, and does so immediately, albeit with an attitude. Of course, the attitude doesn’t bother me in the slightest—I mean, really, I’ve survived far more than that!
Ok. It’s go time!
Oooo…it’s looking like option 3 without the attitude! Maybe she’s starting to come around after all.
I’ll encourage her with my best rubbing and meowing.
Easy now. Slowly lead her out the doorway. Ok. We’re clearing the doorway…steady…
[door closes loudly; the lock clicks into place]
No! She pulled the old bait and switch! Hurry! Through the tiny two-legged’s bedroom to the noisy waterhole passage!
[another door closes; another lock clicks into place]
Oh, no! She closed that one too.
[the two-legged female smiles satisfactorily and gets back into bed]
Nooooooo!
Ok. I’ve got to get it together. If I just stick my paw underneath the door, I think I can get the door open again…
[tries to push the door open by sliding paw under the door multiple times and eventually stops]
Ugh! That infernal two-legged female!
Well, if I must wait, I may as well look out at the birds and fantasize about killing their young; that always calms the nerves.
[majestically turns and traipses down the stairs]
Fin
